watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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