That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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