im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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