She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
