i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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