I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
