you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
