u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You pole danced in your parka.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
