now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
