I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
