She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
