It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
