You can't motorboat a personality
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
