Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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