so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
