Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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