i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
