My brain says no but my pants say off.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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