When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm just crazy horny about you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
false alarm, still single
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