Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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