Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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