I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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