why didn't you poke me back
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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