If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
