So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
