i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
