Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
