once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
