I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
