Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
