there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
