i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
