My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize