i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am available for nakedness
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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