Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
