I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
