Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
