better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
