And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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