I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
