it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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