I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
