did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize