Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
