i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
