thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
