my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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