So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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