anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
