News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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