Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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