in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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