I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
