I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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