You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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