Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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