Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
