I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
