respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
