If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
