kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
