1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
